Did you know you were a storyteller?

Early on in college while I was at Berkeley, a neuroscientist specializing in learning and memory had concluded from years of research that our brains are designed to learn and remember best through stories. She said, think of the difference between trying to remember a bunch of facts on note card versus the detail you can easily recall from some interesting gossip you heard one time from a friend. Everyone in the class laughed because they knew it was true. Our minds are tuned for story telling.

Reflecting on this from a therapeutic perspective, I have observed that this ability of ours is also used to create stories about ourselves based on thoughts and feelings connected to significant experiences in our lives. For example, I may be working with a middle schooler who tells me, ‘Ever since they posted that about me, my friends have been acting different. Some of them even stopped talking to me.’ The strong feelings of rejection and worries about fitting in quickly generate a global story that might take the shape of, ‘I’m weird and no one likes me.’ While I believe this ability we have serves to make meaning and sense of our lives, stories like this are very painful and limiting, and they can affect how we behave in the future. That middle schooler may now avoid potential social encounters for fear of reconfirming that new belief or behave in an unfriendly way that anticipates further rejection. Either behavior would reinforce the belief that they are indeed weird, and no one likes them, creating a negative feedback loop.

The basic process is, we unconsciously form a simple thought based on something significant that happens, or a series of similar events—maybe we got turned down a few too many times in school, then we latch onto the thought ‘nobody is attracted to me.’ That thought proliferates into a story that we repeatedly tell ourselves. Then we begin behaving in ways that confirm and reinforce that story. After enough reinforcing, it becomes a deeply held belief that is now a core part of our identity—often unnoticed like the air we breathe, but powerful like the wind that carries ships across the ocean, to put it poetically.

Much of my work with adult and teen clients involves first understanding and radically accepting the stories connected to the problems that brought them into therapy. And then eventually moving beyond the stories. Sometimes it is useful to re-write or co-create a new story, but the most powerful is to move beyond all stories and rest in the aliveness of the present moment reality. The long-term effects tend to lead to healthier behaviors that no longer maintain old stories and can potentially change the way one perceives themselves and the world around them. I especially love working with teens because I get to be with them on their early journeys while they are still creating their formative stories, but whether my client is a teen or an adult, it is never too early or too late to see the stories we tell ourselves and decide to step out of them—and see for ourselves what a broader horizon can look like.

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Ready to explore the stories shaping your life? Book a call today to begin creating space for insight, growth, and meaningful change.

Click here to learn more about Jim Morein, Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist